this one is stolen from BOPE's profile ,but i really like it
*Yesterday scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer each, and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making any sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive. No further testing is planned."

* Top Ten Reasons beer is better then women
10...You can have a beer in public.
9...When you go to a bar you can always pick up a beer
8...A beer wont get upset when you come home with beer on your breath.
7...You can enjoy a beer all month long.
6...A beer doesnt get jealous when you grab another beer.
5...You always know youre the first one to pop a beer.
4...You dont have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
3...A beer is always wet.
2...A beer always goes down easy.
1...You can share a beer with your friends.

*A guys talking to a girl in a bar.
He says, "Whats your name?"
She says, "Carmen."
He says, "Thats a nice name. Who named you, your mother?"
She says, "No, I named myself."
He says, "Why Carmen?"
She says, "Because I like cars and I like men. Whats your name?"
He says, "Beerfuck."

*Weathermen vs Weatherwomen
True Story... A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didnt, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, wheres that 6 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did too... they were laughing so hard.

*Fat Guy
There was this really fat guy that wanted to lose weight but no matter what diet he tried, nothing worked.. well one day, as he was reading the paper, he saw an ad that said LOSE AS MUCH WEIGHT AS YOU WANT FOR ONLY $1 A POUND. he gets excited and calls the number provided and tells them he wants to lose 10 pounds. well they tell him that they will send a representitive over to his house the next morning. the next morning the door bell rings and he opens the door to find a really hot blonde with a sign on her chest - "if you catch me you can have me"- and the blonde runs off. well the fat guy started chasing her, and after a while he caught her and they had sex. after she left, he checked his wieght and saw that he lost the ten pounds. so the next day he calls and says he wants to lose 20 pounds. same thing happens. he chases the hot blonde, catches her and in the processes loses 20 pounds. well he decides that the 30 pounds he lost so far are not enough so he calls them and tells them that he wants to lose 50 pounds. the person on the other line asks him " sir are you sure? thats too much weight to be lost all at once." and he replies " hell ya im sure" so they say that they will send a representitive over to his house the next morning. the next morning he wakes up to the ringing door bell. excited about losing more wieght and screwing a hot chick, he jumps out of the bed, opens the door and finds himself face to face with a HUGE gorilla. and the gorilla has a sign on its chest. " if i catch you, ill fuck the shit out of you"

*Point System...for men
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You dont get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, thats the way the game is played: it doesnt do any good to complain about the rules.

Simple Duties
You make the bed (+1)
But forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)

You leave the toilet seat up (-5)
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty (0)
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom (-2)


You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings (+5)
In the snow (+8)
But return with beer (-5)


You check out a suspicious noise at night (1)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+10)
You pummel it with a six iron (+10 more)
Its her toy poodle (-50)

Social Engagements At a Party
You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy (-2)
Named Tiffany (-5)
Whos now a dancer (-10)
She spends the entire time telling you about her new implants (-15)

Her Birthday
You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and its not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it is a sports bar (-2)
And its all-you-can-eat night (-3)
Its a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted in all of the colors of your favorite sports team (-10)

Dating
You take her to a movie (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes (+3)
You take her to a movie you hate (+5)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
Its called DeathCop 9 (-3)
Which features cyborgs that eat humans (-9)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)

Your Physique
You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesnt matter, you have one too." (-80)

Communication: When she wants to talk about a problem
You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+5)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+50)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-20)

The Big Question: She asks, "Do I look fat?"
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
You reply, "Compared to what?" (-50)
Any other response (-20)

Score
For every 100 points earned, you get to have sex with her. During that act...

You perform foreplay (0)
You have the houseboy do the foreplay (5)
She has an orgasm (0)
Its over when you have an orgasm (-500)
You unfold a Playboy centerfold over her face (-5 million -- you will never have sex again)

*Gunshot wound to knee!
Aging Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was getting more and more despondent over the recent death of her husband, Earl.

She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earls old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden someone, she called her doctors office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman.

The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the local hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

*